Thursday, 5 February 2015

Don’t Buy Us Mugs

I was always very surprised that Beauty♥ fell for beast.

That might read to be a superficial statement,  but Beauty was a knock out and, let’s be honest here, the dude was covered in fur. What’s the likeliness of that happening in the real world?

I had two black eyes, a fucked up hand, scratches, bruises everywhere... and I would bet my life on it, that no one in that emergency room would have guessed, I did it to myself. 

I wish I could be that beacon of hope, to say Bi Polar disappears once you begin to live a clean and healthy lifestyle. But even after I pumped myself with vitamins, ate squeaky clean, ditched drugs and alcohol and dropped 100 lbs... my Bi Polar dragon still comes up for air every now and then. 

That day especially.

When I arrived at the hospital, by some twist of fate, I had an unexplainable fever and I was given a mask for my face. I didn’t want anyone to look at me, I felt the mask helped with that, but people stared anyway. As I rocked back in forth in my seat, the sounds of the hospital staff going about their day as normal, made me feel invisible, which for the first time, was exactly what I wanted. All those patients were in there by choice, and there I was, captain crazy kazoo, waiting to be admitted, for kicking her own ass. Invisible wouldn’t have been invisible enough.

I saw paramedics and nurses, doctors and crisis councilors, and every single one of them, seemed shocked when I told them I called the cops on myself. There’s no way I could have been the first, and if that shocks them, maybe the big bad doctors don’t know as much about Bi Polar as they think. Cause if you live with it or know someone close to you who lives with it... you’d know, nothing surprises you.

I had been through hospital protocol before, I knew the questions and I knew the answers. I knew I wasn’t leaving there knowing something I didn’t know upon arrival. I knew the suggestions and the remarks. Doctors have very little to say to mental illness patients, who refuse medication. They also have very little experience being on the medications themselves, which makes it easier to handle their “what’s the big deal? Take your meds” type attitude. 

BIG Deal:Meds don’t agree with everybody. All our body make ups are different. And just because I have a chemical imbalance doesn’t mean I need chemicals. Take your pill popping prognosis back to the drawing board.

I didn’t need a crisis hotline, I didn’t need a prescription and I didn’t need a lecture. I just needed someone to tell me I wasn’t having a heart attack, I was going to live and that I could go home. I got swept under the rug a few years ago, so pardon me if I still seem bitter. It takes time to accept defeat. 

(I’ll let you know how much time, once I’m defeated;)

Finally, I was discharged. 
The list of what they can help you with gets a lot shorter the minute you pass on the capsule cocktails, so me and my broken ass self, jumped into a cab and head home.

Home is where the heart♥ is.
And my heart is Lui. 

When I walked through the door, I was pissed. I was mad at myself, I was mad at mental illness and all the loopty fucking loops it comes with. But I was most mad, that Lui wasn’t. His face said it all. 

“I love you, and It hurts me that you and I must go through this.” 

My face might not have given his face the response it deserved, but only because it was scrunched up by so much pain and anger. My entire body was still tense from the episode and my mind was flooded with thoughts of “this isn’t fair.” I never let myself think or say that. 


But for the first time, I accepted the fact that I don’t actually have a pair testicles, and I’m not an actual soldier, all so I could state the obvious:

This shit ain’t fair. 

I let myself say it and think it. 
And once I had had enough, my mind became crystal clear. 

It is fair. 
☐ Square. 
Even stevens. 

Hell, is where you find your friends and family. And this hell that Lui and I experience from time to time, is where we found each other. He yelled with me, cried with me, boycotted stuff with me, even smashed every fucking mug we’d ever been gifted, with me. The point is, he was with me.  

Whatever you might be going through in your own life, know that it is a journey and there is light in darkness and beauty in beast. 

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